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Mrs Worthington

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington,
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.
The profession is overcrowded and the struggle’s pretty tough,
And admitting the fact she’s burning to act,
That isn’t quite enough.
She has nice hands to give the wretched girl her due,
But don’t you think her bust is too developed for her age?
I repeat, Mrs Worthington,
Sweet Mrs Worthington.
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.

Regarding yours, dear Mrs Worthington,
Of Wednesday the 23rd,
Although your baby may be
Keen on a stage career,
How can I make it clear that this is not a good idea?
For her to hope, dear Mrs Worthington,
Is on the face of it absurd,
Her personality is not in reality inviting enough, exciting enough
For this particular sphere.

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington,
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.
She’s a bit of an ugly duckling, you must honestly confess,
And the width of her seat would surely defeat
her chances of success.
It’s a loud voice, and though it’s not exactly flat,
She'll need a little more than that
to earn a living wage.
On my knees, Mrs Worthington,
Please, Mrs Worthington,
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington,
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.
Though they said at the school of acting
she was lovely as Peer Gynt,
I’m afraid on the whole an ingenue role
would emphasise her squint.
She’s a big girl, and though her teeth are fairly good,
She’s not the type I ever would be eager to engage.
No more buts, Mrs Worthington.
NUTS! Mrs Worthington.
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.